Good Enough
previously posted on May 9, 2021
Where Is My Mind?
As I muddle my way through this pandemic, what's available of my fractured attention has been converging at the intersections of systemic change/collapse, embodied resilience, parenting (in ALL it's forms), deep work and creative turn on. The questions I'm living are about how I (and you, if you're interested) can lean into the complexity, challenge and potential of this moment without burning out and losing heart.
Good Enough
Navigating the potency of this moment can feel overwhelming. The insistent change can be enlivening but few of us are at our best and being a year into a pandemic hardly leaves us prepared for the work needed to usher in "the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible" (Charles Eisenstein).
As a mother and a human conditioned to be the right kind of woman, I notice myself leaning into this situation with my perfectionism LIT UP. The desire to get this right, to stay fit and healthy, maintain my career and rich inner life while also saving the world and parenting beyond reproach is literally making me sick.
Do I love Mother's Day?
No.
Do I wish you a happy Mother's Day if you're a mom, anyway?
Yes, I do.
I've been considering the theory of D.W. Winnicott, a British paediatrician and psychoanalyst in the mid-1900's who coined the phrase "the good enough mother." He proposed that children's healthy development depends, in part, on their mother being reasonably attentive while increasingly failing them in manageable ways as they grow up. In other words, her presence, while noteworthy, is not total.
While it's not my intention to exclusively centre parents (specifically mothers) in this email, it does happen to be Mother's Day, and mothering is a big part of my lived experience. It also happens to be very rich territory for exploring and deconstructing notions of perfectionism. I believe, however, that the idea of good enough can apply across many areas of our life and is relevant whether we are raising children or not. Taking an attitude of good enough is not a form of giving up but rather a powerful act of dissent in a culture of colonial, patriarchal and capitalistic perfectionism.
By experimenting with good enough we can start to unravel the rigid parameters of our daily life and find some breathing space, consequently (and somewhat paradoxically) making it feel possible, and maybe even desirable, to show up for what's meaningful but challenging in our lives. Yes, parenting, but also friendship, creative work, deep thinking, spiritual practice or any other intersection of discipline and meaning.
By showing up regularly and with flexible expectations to any practice we increase the chances of reaching a state of flow, connection and play. We might even begin to access a sense of our healthy inner child, parented by the good enough mother (also known as yourself), free to explore and find magic in the ordinary. How humane to make this a little easier for ourselves at the outset.
“...the best is the enemy of the good.”-Voltaire
Failing in Public/ Shame Resilience
For many of us, the pandemic has been a time of exposed fallibility, both individual and collective. We're dropping balls left and right. Our practiced juggling act is no longer graceful and many of us are doing some of this failing in public. It takes some shame resilience, to say the least.
This is raw material for me as I survey a career that's either in a powerful state of transition or in tatters, depending on which day you ask me. Ask a few other people who take care of kids how they're feeling about their career, their creativity or their inner life these days and you'll likely see a pattern start to emerge—something to do with courage, despair, inspiration and exhaustion.
When I sat down to outline this email earlier last week, I'd had therapy, a walk with a dear friend, some exercise. I felt resourced and my brain was firing on all cylinders. I had a lot of ideas I wanted to link together but sometime on Friday afternoon I realised I was trying to write a dissertation or a book, not a newsletter.
So, already at a higher than advisable word count I will say GOOD ENOUGH and wrap this up. You can expect to hear more about these intersecting ideas in the coming weeks and months, and you can also expect to see online offerings emerge, in support of the parents, the caregivers and the creatives. I have an abiding interest in our collective okay-ness as we navigate a post-pandemic world that will never go back to the way it was.
Thanks for being here with me.
Love,
Annie
